


My Darling Joshua

by orphan_account



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Death, M/M, Point of View Switches, Sad, i wrote this at 2am, knife
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-14 04:08:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7998022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joshua was Jeonghan's sun, moon, stars and everything in between.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Darling Joshua

Sometimes I look up to the night sky, and I wonder if you’re there. I like that idea. That everyone who passes on is granted their own star, their own space to watch down over the earth, their family and friends. I wonder if you’re happy in whatever afterlife you’ve passed on to. I hope so.

I’d hate for you to watch over me, though. To see the state I’m in. My collarbones show clearly through my skin. My ribcage pops out. My hip bones jut through my sides and even Jihoon can wrap his hand easily around my wrist. My skin is pale, and my jaw line is the sharpest I’ve ever seen. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen cheekbones as prominent as mine.

Truth is, Joshua, I’m not happy here. It’s lonely. It’s sad. I’m lonely. I’m sad. You don’t realise how much you need something until it’s gone. You may know you need it, but you never know just how much. That is, until, you lose it forever. Sadly, this seems to be the case with you and I. You really were my source to survival. The key to the locked door that kept me going onwards through life.

It’s heartbreaking. You’re there one second and suddenly you’re gone. One morning I wake up with your lovely, warm body in my thin arms, listening to your breathing as your chest rises up and down. Twenty four hours later, I’m no longer squished in that single bed with a bunk above us. In fact, there barely is an us at this point. You’re still alive but you’re barely breathing.

I had hopes. Hopes of you waking up from that awful coma. Hopes of seeing those gorgeous brown orbs shine, and staring into my plain dark eyes. Hopes of hearing your voice once more, as soft as honey, as sweet as syrup, as calming as ocean waves. Hopes of feeling your hand squeeze mine. Hopes of feeling your fingers comb through my hair.

Then the heart monitor went flat as I ran my thumb in circles over your palm. I was screaming, I was crying, I was kicking and shrieking as several doctors carried me out the room. I remember Seungcheol finding me, taking me home, talking to me, trying to calm me down. My vision was blurred and my ears were ringing. All I could do was cry. And really, that’s still all I do now. I don’t speak. I just breakdown once every two days at the very least.

I barely feel like I’m living. I’m only existing these days. Everything fee;s numb. I don’t want to live anymore, Josh. My only emotion is sadness. And it’s been a year. One year today. And you’ll never have any idea how much that hurts, my darling Joshua.

So I think I’ll join you. I’ll be with you soon, baby. It’s going to be brutal and it’s going to be painful, but whatever it takes to be with you. Not long now, pumpkin. I love you. I’ll be with you soon.

 

“Have you seen Jeonghan today, Dino?” Seungcheol asked. Dino looked up at his hyung, reminding Seungcheol of a deer or rabbit in headlights.

“No,” he responded. Seungcheol sighed. “I’m sure he’s okay though, hyung.” He slipped his hand into Seungcheol’s, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

“Something doesn’t feel right,” Jihoon muttered. The whole group sensed something was wrong. They all felt uneasy.

The building felt cold. It sent tickling shivers down their spines. The band had gone out, but Jeonghan had seemingly stayed behind, as per usual. At least they were on hiatus.

Suddenly, there was a sharp, piercing scream from Minghao. He had caught Jihoon in his arms, who appeared to have fainted at the sight that lay before them. It was awful. Seungcheol’s hands flew over Dino’s eyes.

“Hyung?” Dino whispered quietly, the fearful tone clear in his small voice. “Hyung, what is it? Hyung, what’s happened? Hyung?”

Jeonghan’s body was folded over the desk. His head lay on the wood in a red pool. The source appeared to run down his face, and some had dripped onto the floor. He was still bleeding out. A sharp knife was lodged into the side of his head.

Dino’s shaking hand pulled apart Seungcheol’s middle and index fingers so that he could see what had happened. He immediately shut his eyes with a gasp. Jun was the one to pull out his phone and call out the police as Soonyoung approached Jeonghan’s cold, lifeless body. He took the envelope from the far corner of the desk and allowed his trembling fingers to open it.

_To whoever finds me,_

_Sorry. Not for my death, exactly, but certainly the way I died. I’m sorry for the brutality of it. It was a way out. Maybe not the nicest, but a way._

_Joshua was my everything. He was my sun. He was my moon. He was the stars in the night sky and everything in between. In other words, he was my everything. He was what kept me happy, what kept me strong, what kept me going. Without Joshua, I have nothing. I am nothing without him. I hope you respect my decision to leave._

_Best wishes and love,  
Jeonghan ___


End file.
